Brakes, Batteries, Barbeques and Jeepness

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It’s Saturday. I slept in till 10:31am. Lounged around enjoying nothingness till about noon when I got to work on some copywriting for a new landing page I was building for a Google AdWords campaign… then the crazy started.

One of my little external hard drives that I use to back up files at home decided to bust itself and not work or sumpin. This is actually the first hard drive to die on me, ever. I thought I had a good streak going. The problem is I needed some files on it. Not to worry, I figured I had backed them up to a hard drive on my desktop PC at the office. (Don’t get any ideas, I’m a Mac guy and I hardly use PCs cept when I HAVE to. I actually leave this one at work because I have no good use for it).

My wife went to the store and I headed in to the office. I drove all the way there, walked up to the building, and promptly realized I’m a knucklehead. I had forgotten the electronic office key at home so I couldn’t even get in and it didn’t seem like there was one single blessed soul within a ten mile radius to save me. I drove all the way back home. When I made the return trip back to the office, here comes a freakishly unbelievable tempest, it was like a stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf type deal. The radio said there were some 75 mph wind gusts (isn’t that like hurricane winds?) and the rain was sideways (the kind of rain that stings a bit when it pelts you in the fleshy parts of the neck). Yick.

The files weren’t on the hard drive I thought they was on. I needed those files to finish my project for the day. Me being so project-oriented, that drove me insane because I couldn’t finish what I started. I headed home. This time when I left the office the wind was so fierce it was shaking my car like there were kids bouncing on the hood of the car. More pelting rain with debris… I didn’t need that paint job anyways, no worries. Branches and leaves were blowing in the air, they were blowing everywhere. Okay, that was a really lame nursery rhyme sentence but I just couldn’t delete it.

I was in a hurry now. I needed to get home quickly so that I could pick up my wife and go get the Jeep that I had bought from a friend of mine. We made it to his house about 2:40. He’d already gone but he’d left the keys and the docs behind, and I left him the check. He didn’t leave the jumper cables. He had those with him, on the way to Salt Lake. The Jeep was stone dead. I went knocking doors in the neighborhood till I found some jumper cables. We needed to be across town at 3pm.

By the time I got the Jeep started, it was now 2:50, just behind schedule enough to start making things interesting. We’ve spent a lot of the last week looking all around the valley for a home and we had an appointment across town to see a house with Paul Reeb at 3:00pm (he’s the real dizzle real estate agent, those are hard to come by).

The Jeep’s brakes were metal on metal, almost undrivable. We headed slow and steady across town. All the while I had been making arrangements with a repair shop to have the brakes fixed on the Jeep so it would be drivable. I used my handy I phone to find local car shops. I called a dozen to find one open on Saturdays.

You’re probably wondering what the heck kind of car I just bought. It wasn’t from the salvage yard, but the Jeep isn’t in the best of conditions, thus, the $1000 price tag. It needs a lot of work. It’s a 2000 Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited with the Quadra-drive technology thingy. Smokin’ deal. I made it up to the auto repair shop right after 3:00pm with the brakes grinding metal on metal and stinking up my cockpit. I hurriedly dropped off the Jeep at Rocky’s American Car Care Center and hopped in with Janica to make our appointment. She had following me in our Honda, which was usually in stellar working condition. I hopped in and we made it to meet Paul only 10 minutes late. I had called him while looking for jumper cables to say we would be 10 minutes late.

The house left us wanting. Disappointed. It was in what seemed to be a retirement community. We’re not going geriatric just yet. Good house, twin home actually, just not what we want. The basement, however, is one of the best we’ve seen and it has a legal accessory apartment. We thanked the owners and headed out to the car. I hopped in after opening the door for my wife and started the car. As we rolled out, the car felt funny. We didn’t get 100 feet before I realized we had a freegin’ FLAT TIRE!! Geez. I had one car in the shop already and now a flat tire. I emptied the contents of the trunk into the street and changed the tire. I don’t know how I fit that much stuff in my trunk, really. I should have taken pictures. It was almost 4:00 pm now.

I had a company barbeque that would start at 4:00pm that I really needed to be to. Those things are important. We hurried back to the repair shop. Trevor, the repair dude, was supposed to get the car done by 4:00pm because that’s when the place closed, but apparently the auto parts store sent them the wrong brake pads. So we waited till 4:35 till it was finished. I was kind of antsy because I thought I needed to find the nearest Les Schwab to get my tire repaired as well. I went to my trusty iPhone. The stanking battery was plum dead. Everything was out of batteries, geez. What to do?

In my brilliance, I just schmoozed over Trevor, the repair dude, and persuaded him to fix the tire and put it back on for free. So we had our flat tire back on. The dumb thing was only flat for about thirty minutes or so. Not bad. But it was close to 5:00 now and there was no way we would make it to the BBQ with enough time to enjoy it. The BBQ was a good 20 minutes away and we needed to go home first, which would be a 50 minute round trip. We wanted to try and get there anyways.

The Jeep was finished. It was then I realized I didn’t have my card with me… Good thing I had most of the numbers in my head. We left to drive the Jeep home and then head up to the BBQ to at least make an appearance. This is where it all went worse. At the State Street and Center Street intersection in Orem, the Jeep died. Completely died. Plum dead in the middle of the stinking intersection at 5pm in the afternoon on a Saturday. That intersection is the crossroads of Orem, Utah and a busy shopping center. There is no doubt in my mind that I got cussed out by dozens of unhappy Utah drivers (they’re always unhappy anyways so that didn’t bother me none).

I knew the battery in the Jeep was dead (we have to jump it every time we start it) but I thought it would make it home to Provo. Up until now, after a jump start, the Jeep ran fine, which means the alternator is in good condition. I didn’t notice anything wrong with the alternator before. At the repair shop we had jump started the Jeep and it seemed to be running okay, that was just 5 minutes previous. Just my luck, it ran well enough to get me to the middle of the intersection…

The Jeep was so dead that I couldn’t even turn the hazard lights on to signify that my Jeep was busted and that drivers should make their way around the busted Jeep and cuss me out later. The battery was just so roasted that it wouldn’t hold any charge from the alternator at all, not even to unlock the doors. And now I thought the alternator was shot too. I had already spent $485.48 on new front rotors, calipers, and pads and I didn’t want to spend any more money today. I just wanted to get the Jeep drivable. I would charge the battery at home. Oh, and I didn’t even have my own jumper cables.

The Lord sent me angels. In under a minute we had six people pushing the Jeep out the way of traffic. Luckily, there was a minivan full of a entire Mexican family right behind me. A family of seven in an old Chrysler Voyager minivan. He was my good Samaritan today. He jumped right out and helped us push the car out of the way. The wife hopped right in to the driver’s seat of their van as if she had done this “save the freaked out white dude in the middle of the intersection” thing before. I happen to know Spanish so it was fun. They were good people, but not just good people, they had jumper cables. He stayed with us for about 25 minutes seeing if we could get the Jeep to idle on its own. On those Jeeps sometimes when it’s dead enough that the computer loses power it takes a while for it to learn its idling speed again. If the Jeep got below 1000 RPMs, it would die. I had to keep the pedal on the gas, even while the jumper cables were hooked up (wussy jumper cables with very gaugeless wires almost). I told them I’d just give it a shot and try to get home, but really I just didn’t want them to stay with me all day. I was inconveniencing them. Even so, they didn’t seem too inconvenienced. Cool cats. The kids were entertaining.

We were now in a parking lot, safe from the busy traffic at least but in no better condition. So I give it a shot. With the car on and me thumbing the gas, but not letting it idle, I tried to gently approach the busy street. In doing so, it took 5.93 milliseconds for me to realize I wouldn’t hit the traffic right. I wanted to just hit the traffic so that I wouldn’t need to touch the break at all and I could just sped off to the nearest Pep Boys, which was just three blocks away. So… my my non-multitasking skills freaked out and I hit the dadgum brakes (positive moment of the day = the brakes worked flawlessly).

Alas, I failed at my attempt to make it anywhere really. This no idling business is tricky. I couldn’t brake and throw the car in to neutral while pedaling the gas all at the same time (I’d never practiced that before, it’s tricky). The Jeep jumped back and forth, convulsively. I’m sure my face was red, if I could have seen my face, it would have been red. (This deal gave me flash backs to driver’s ed when I was the only one that had to use the Ford Fiesta with the stick shift when I’d never really driven a car much at all, let alone a stick shift). It died right there. With some effort, my wife and I rolled it back into the parking lot. Couldn’t have done it without her. The Jeep wasn’t going anywhere.

Hmmm. There was now no way I could get to the BBQ now. That would be over at 6:00pm. The next scheduled item that this car mess goofed up is the wedding reception of one of my wife’s close friends. We needed to be there by 6:20pm. We were both dressed like we were heading to the gym and filthy; me up to my elbows and her with a few soiled fingers I’m sure. Luckily we did have another car with us (the one with the repaired tire). I dropped her off at home and boycotted the reception. I have a hard time at receptions anyhow.

I picked up my ipod so I could listed to some internet marketing stuff while I figured out this mess. I didn’t have any idea how I was going to get the Jeep back with just me. But I was determined to get it done somehow. I drove back up to where we’d left the Jeep. I figured if I could swap out the battery for the one in the Honda, the car could run off the battery long enough to get it to Pep Boys. I busted out my tools. The Jeep battery wouldn’t budge. I couldn’t get the stripped bolt off that tightened the wedge that held the battery in down. I spent one hour trying to get the battery out. I decided against busting the wedge off.

I drove over to Pep Boys and deliberated with the sales team there until I realized I was talking to the wrong people. I bought my own jumper cables (the cheap kind, I figured it would be enough to get it started) and went back to the Jeep. The dumb jumper cables couldn’t even start the Jeep so I go back to the stankin’ Pep Boys. This time I convinced the shop guys to let me use their jumper pack without paying for it. I didn’t want to pay $39 for a tow job either, the Jeep was only three blocks away.

The jumper pack worked fantastic. The Jeep started right up and idled just fine. All the while, the alternator was putting out about 14 volts, which is exactly the voltage it’s supposed to be pumping out. This whole deal was puzzling. The symptoms of the Jeep were a little weird. The fact that the Jeep worked well with the jumper pack let me know that the alternator is just fine. Sweet.

Got the Jeep to the Pep Boys and they looked it over and tested the starting mechanisms. Turns out it’s just the battery. They charged my $14 for an install and a $9 shop fee to throw a $90 battery in there. Plus tax that was $120 and sumpin. I didn’t complain. The Jeep started cleanly now. So, new front brakes and a killer new battery with 85 cold crank amps.

Meanwhile, my wife was enjoying herself with her college friends. I now had two cars to get home. I decided to drive the Jeep home. I wanted to listen to it to see what else might be wrong with it. I tell you what, the noises coming from the Jeep are various and sundry. Almost like the noises you’d imagine coming from Sleepy Hollow or Tales from the Crypt. All in good time. The thing will be running smooth before long.

Made it home about 10pm, turns out I needed to go pick up my wife, so I did. We headed up to get the Honda and called it a night.

Bling.